my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
someone owes me an orgasm
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
