I'm jealous of your bromance
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
