Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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