You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
