I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
