I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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