this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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