Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
