Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
