i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
