I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
