He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
