apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
