I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You are the jesus of drinking
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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