I think I won the penis lottery.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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