dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
