My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
