maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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