So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
