and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
