evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
