September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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