Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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