Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
