I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
did i just pee glitter
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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