a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
