its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
