im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
