how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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