There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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