the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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