First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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