I wish I could teleport
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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