can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
