If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All I want is dick and wine.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
