my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
