So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
