if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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