I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
