Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
