Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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