Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
