New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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