a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
