I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
