We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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