You can't motorboat a personality
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
