The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
