Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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