Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize
