She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
