Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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