please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
